What to Do if Your Ex Is Single Again
sex diaries
The Unmarried Mom Rekindling Things With Her Ex in Isolation
Photo-Illustration: James Gallagher
This week, a mom goes on FaceTime dates while her ex-husband does schoolwork with the kids: 41, divorced, Tribeca.
DAY I
5:45 a.thousand. Information technology's my first day with both my kids at home, and oh yeah, it starts early. I have a 6-year-sometime boy and a 3-year-old boy. I'm divorced from their dad, who lives a few blocks away. Equally of now, he's notwithstanding going into work, and everything will fall on me. Zippo new about that. As for my work, I'k launching a cocky-care website and consider myself an entrepreneur, but there's no incertitude that all-solar day education and parenting will autumn on me from today until … who knows. Everything else will take to exist put on hold.
eight a.m. While my kids play by themselves in their room, I swipe through Tinder and Bumble. One guy asks if I want to sit half-dozen anxiety abroad from each other and accept tea. It's a charming idea, simply I have to really like someone to make time for him correct now. This guy doesn't make the cut.
2 p.thousand. I'one thousand supposed to have a engagement with a therapist afterward today. He invited me to his function (!) for the appointment since he's got clients all day. Most women would call up that's weird, but I love therapy, and I love anything self-help-related, and I'one thousand a niggling woo-woo in that way, so I actually love the idea of sitting in his therapist office having a piddling date. I told him I'd bring him a coffee. Kind of cute, right?
3 p.m. The therapist canceled. His workday is likewise hard. It's a bummer, but my caput is spinning from the kids, and I don't have the bandwidth for much more today anyway.
7 p.m. My ex is over for dinner. Normally, he sees the kids i dark during the schoolhouse week and a lot over the weekend. I have very low expectations for him. Aside from being a corking provider, and a pretty good dad, he's let me down in many means. He can exist very emotionally afar, and he's not especially nice to me.
8:30 p.m. All anyone tin talk about is coronavirus and what'due south to come. My ex-husband is going to wrap upward at his function tomorrow and beginning working from home. I assume he won't assist much, just it'southward a slight relief knowing I won't be 100 percent alone with the kids. Today was crazy difficult.
Twenty-four hour period TWO
5:45 a.m. At this signal, I've accepted that this is when I wake up. It's been about 6 years of no sleep. Half of those years, I was up all nighttime crying about the collapse of my marriage. I'g actually set to observe happiness and stability over again.
7 a.m. I'm shocked that my ex-husband is here to start the day with the states. He made everyone breakfast and is talking to the kids nearly their learning schedule for the day. The ane good thing about setting the bar and then low for him is that when he rises up to the occasion, I'chiliad pleasantly surprised.
8 a.grand. I text the therapist to see if he wants to reschedule. I call up he's going to ghost me. Men without kids are very quick to dismiss women with kids. I have to work twice equally hard to testify to someone that I'yard half as absurd as their other prospects.
2 p.thousand. My ex-husband is doing Castilian class with the kids. He speaks high-schoolhouse level Spanish, simply I'm still enjoying the effort he's putting into it. I have this moment to lie in bed and look at social media. Things are scary out there. Everything is existence shut down and canceled. There's a lot of dread. I get a bulletin from a really hot smart guy on Tinder. His profile is too expert to be truthful. He said he splits his fourth dimension between Brooklyn and Africa because he's a doctor and is building hospitals over in that location. I take a trivial bit of a doctor fetish. We continue texting while I "residual" in my sleeping accommodation with the door closed, but then nosotros get interrupted because one of my sons is having a fit about who knows what.
8 p.m. My ex-husband has been hither most of the day. Information technology's really dainty. He'due south been and then present. We open a bottle of wine as we clean upwards dinner. For a cursory moment, I wonder if we should give information technology another shot, but then I tell myself, "No way." He really hurt me, and he really messed upward our lives. I can't ever fully forgive him for that, and I respect myself way too much to hazard the pain again. He's always said he would get dorsum together in a heartbeat. He says information technology almost every day. Just he's never done the work to make himself a better human. He's never really changed in difficult, challenging, transformative, or self-cogitating ways. Aside from fluke days like today, I take no evidence to suggest he would be a improve partner.
10 p.thou. I lie in bed texting with the doc. I'thou enjoying our conversation and flirtation. He asks if I desire to come to his apartment tomorrow for a "socially distanced" glass of wine. I tell him that I'll demand his last name commencement. He won't tell me; he says he'due south too high profile. And so he gets angry and aggressive about information technology. His free energy freaks me out, and then I end the chat and block him.
Day THREE
9 a.g. The line at Trader Joe's was downwardly the street. Anybody I know has their kids at home. Our unabridged schedule has been canceled indefinitely. I was supposed to take the kids away for spring intermission next week, so I'll have to spend all morn trying to get refunded for that while keeping my kids occupied in some productive manner.
10 a.one thousand. Knock, knock. It'southward my ex. He's dorsum to assist for the day. It'southward shocking that he's been this supportive. I go into my sleeping accommodation to fight the airlines and the resort. Information technology's a shitty chore, but less shitty than hanging out with my boys right now!
11 a.m. I scroll through Tinder. About 60 per centum of the profiles have changed to reflect coronavirus. The guys reaching out to me are asking to meet up for walks, six feet away, or virtual cocktails. My best friend says zilch sounds worse than a virtual cocktail, but I call up information technology'south kind of romantic. Equally a single dating mom, it's kind of more productive to have a quick virtual date than go through the whole ordeal of getting a babysitter and going out and then chop-chop realizing none of it was worth it the minute you see him.
4 p.m. We decide to exercise a make-your-own-pizza cooking form as a family unit. I run to Trader Joe's to become some ingredients. At that place are and so many people, and the mood is so weird. I am prone to anxiety, so I try to just focus on the ingredients and go along breathing.
7 p.m. Again, my ex and I drinkable a little wine while wrapping up the day. And again, I expect at him and wonder … Could I? Should I? He knows he's been a practiced guy right at present. He knows how much it ways to me. In that location's something manipulative about what he's doing, just I'm not going to accept dark feelings. I'm non going to allow the river of rage showtime flowing. I'one thousand just going to be grateful that he'south here for us right now.
10 p.m. I'thou and so tired I can't speak, move, remember, or swipe.
DAY 4
nine a.m. We are on total lockdown. I'm not assuasive playdates, and I'yard going to limit errands and grocery shopping for myself. Information technology's my social responsibleness. I'm non political and I'thou not self-righteous, merely I have to say, people who are still socializing are total fucking assholes.
12:thirty p.m. Information technology's happening: I'm having a virtual lunch date. The kids are at my ex'due south apartment. The guy, Rob, suggested we each brand our favorite sandwich and so FaceTime. My friends think this is the cheesiest idea on earth, but I'm into information technology! I have express supplies, and so I brand myself a grilled cheese with potato fries on the side. I make a mental notation: Don't chomp on the chips during the date! And and then I look for him to FaceTime. Information technology rings. He'south at that place. He's cute, and he's fabricated himself a turkey sandwich. Unfortunately, he's got a loftier voice. It's really kind of squeaky. I can't with the voice … merely it's a fun break from my day.
viii p.yard. My ex looks at me and says, "You're my rock." He used to never say things like that. I got very little respect from him when we were married. Nosotros're in such a corking place right at present. And he looks so good. I hope myself I won't sleep with him tonight.
9 p.m. I go on my promise.
DAY FIVE
nine a.m. Information technology'southward the weekend, which means my parents come in from New Bailiwick of jersey to help for a few hours. There's nowhere to get, so I determine to lie in bed all day.
12 p.m. I'm feeling lone. Information technology's such a cliché, merely during this scary time, it would be nice to take someone to hold me.
five p.yard. I slept and relaxed and caught up with my family and friends on the phone.
8 p.m. My kids are asleep, so I get dorsum into my bed. This time with my vibrator. I'm usually too tired to use it, but I had a lot of residuum today.
Solar day Six
8 a.yard. My ex has decided to take us all to an empty beach near the Rockaways. He thinks it's okay to do this if in that location's no ane on the beach. I pack up some snacks. Everything feels so "normal." It reminds me of life before coronavirus, and it reminds me of life before my divorce. I love it.
12 p.m. While the boys run around, my ex and I really talk. We say how this week helped us develop a deeper friendship, and helped us acquire to respect each other more. I retrieve he saw how hard my days really are. He "gets" it — at least more than he did before. I accept his hand, and nosotros walk downwardly the beach while watching our kids play in the cold air.
9 p.g. I take another virtual appointment tonight. I could get into this! This guy, Ethan, is a single dad who lives nearby. When he FaceTimes me, I feel chemistry. I similar his voice. I'm not certain if he's brusk or tall because he's sitting at his kitchen table. When he gets upwards to refill his vino drinking glass, he looks near average in tiptop, which is fine. We talk about our erstwhile marriages and nearly our kids. Information technology's great to connect with someone who's sort of in the aforementioned boat. We make up one's mind to have some other cocktail "together" tomorrow.
DAY SEVEN
5:45 a.k. Some other school week at home. I tin't believe this might go on for months. I feel so sad for everyone losing their jobs. It'southward and then depressing. I'm glad I'1000 only prone to anxiety, not low, because this would be a difficult time to struggle with that.
eight a.chiliad. My ex is here with piece of work books and flash cards. He ordered some things on Amazon. Again, I can't believe how engaged he is. Is this our new normal?
11:thirty a.m. During some down fourth dimension with the boys, I tell my ex that I had a virtual date last dark. I shouldn't take told him, but I wanted a reaction. He looks hurt and quickly tells me he doesn't desire to hear any more. What hypocrisy … he used to flirt with women all the time when we were married, and here I am doing something and then innocent. Still, I feel bad ruining our happy momentum and for trying to provoke him. I apologize for existence insensitive, and we move on.
six p.m. Ethan texts that he'd similar to change our virtual cocktail to a virtual dinner, so that nosotros can have more than time to talk. I ate dinner already, merely don't tell him that. "Sure!" I write back. I'm looking forward to his company.
ix p.chiliad. Nosotros had a slap-up virtual dinner date. He made me laugh a lot. I wonder what volition happen if nosotros end up liking each other. Will in that location e'er be a manner to meet him in real life? Will we ever have a showtime buss? The skillful thing near dating with kids is there'south no fourth dimension to actually fixate on any guy, or get carried away in fantasy or apprehension. So nosotros'll just see what happens.
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Source: https://www.thecut.com/2020/03/the-single-mom-rekindling-things-with-her-ex-in-isolation.html
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